Анекдоты дня

Отец ушел из дома когда я был еще совсем маленький. Но через пол часа он вернулся с полторашкой и пакетом пельменей.

* * *
Фраза «если я встану — ты ляжешь» приобретает новый смысл, когда вы живете в крохотной однушке

* * *
Девушки помните — лучше опоздать, чем прийти страшной…

* * *
Доверчивый Олег воспользовался туалетным столиком по назначению. Жена в шоке.

* * *
Если бы я хотел совершить суицид, я бы спрыгнул с твоего ЧСВ на твой IQ

* * *
— Я поняла, что я безнадёжная бестолочь!
— Почему же? Очень даже надёжная. Тупишь с гарантией!

* * *
Согласно дневнику моего коллеги, он думает, что я за ним шпионю.

* * *
Кстати, а никто не пробовал большим силиконовым дилдом тесто раскатывать? К нему же не липнет ничего, да и рисунок получается оригинальным.
И зрелище фантастическое…

* * *
— Как здороваются итальянские бездомные?
— Бомжорно аххахаха

* * *
На каждого мужчину старше 85 лет приходится 7 женщин. Но поздно… слишком поздно!

* * *
Купить часы за пять миллионов не круто, круто суметь их продать.

* * *
За время семейной жизни словарный запас Оксаны сократился до закатывания глаз.
* * *
Всегда говорю себе, что начну худеть после праздников, но ничего не могу поделать, ведь моя жизнь — сплошной праздник.

* * *
Записывайте номер телефона учительницы, диктую: отлично, хорошо, отлично, удовлетворительно, удовлетворительно, неудовлетворительно, отлично

* * *
Ревнивая жена прочитала в Facebook сообщения мужа и лайкнула его сковородой.

* * *
За то, что Олег дёрнул стоп-кран, его оштрафовали на три тысячи. Но падение тёщи с верхней полки того стоило.

* * *
Спросил в шокане у официантки, всё ли есть из меню ужина. «Цезаря больше нет» — ответила она с воистину античной трагичностью в голосе. «Не плачь, весталка» — захотелось мне сказать.

* * *
— Рабинович, ви таки зачем носите ботинки на два размера меньше?
— Видите–ли, у меня маленькая зарплата, денег не хватает, комната в комуналке на 5 семей, дома жена, теща, дети, родственники из Бердичева гостят который месяц, сломался туалет, горячей воды нет, сверху заливают, снизу делают ремонт — все постоянно кричат, плачут, жалуются, ссорятся, требуют чего–то… а я прихожу домой, снимаю ботинки — и мне так хорошо, так хорошо!

* * *
Я составил большой список дел. Только не понятно, кто их должен делать?

* * *
Как налоги платить так это из любой точки страны, а как в садике место получить, так это по прописке.

* * *
Оказывается, кроме сложных и простых углеводов есть ещё хитрые углеводы, которые проникают в организм вместе с фразой «а пойдем чайку попьем»

* * *
Большая часть стоимости парикмахерские услуг это компенсация морального ущерба парикмахеру, который вынужден слушать муз-тв целый день

* * *
Когда тётя Песя едет за рулём и сворачивает не туда, то даже навигатор говорит:
— Ну в принципе, можно и так..

* * *
— Я так больше не могу. Нам нужно расстаться.
— Это потому что у меня член 13 сантиметров?
— Да.
— Пиздец ты суеверная!

* * *
За сто лет страна прошла большой путь. От посадок за веру в бога — до посадок за неверие в него.

* * *

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